i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
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