He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Let's get the cat blown out
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
