She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Randomize
