just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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