Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
