Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
