I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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