This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize