btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize