i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
