I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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