My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
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