I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
