2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
