New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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