You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
