So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Randomize
