Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
