even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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