All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
