I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
