dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
