The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
