Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
