His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
