my phone needs a breathalizer
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
