I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
