Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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