Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
