I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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