His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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