If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
