HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize