M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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