Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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