grandma shit on top of the toilet
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
