he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You did what with his pubic hair?
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