i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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