Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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