i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so explain again why im purple
no
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
