There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize