If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
