So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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