He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
