I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
