You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
