Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
