dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
