....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
