I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize