I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
