you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
