I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
