I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
i now understand why vodka
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Randomize
