We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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