I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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