i barfeds in our rink
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
