THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
