I showed him my bush... on skype.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
