Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We had sex on a dog bed..
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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