matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
