I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
