Betty ford says i'm here all night
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
