hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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